This is great, someone finally wrote a good synopsis on the whole cholesterol/oatmeal topic.
TODAY IS THE FIRST OATMEAL OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
By W. Bruce Cameron
www.wbrucecameron.com
I am afflicted with high cholesterol, a waxy substance that causesmillions of dollars a year in pharmaceutical-company revenues. And it'sgetting worse: My doctor used to frown when he reviewed the results ofmy blood test, but now he frowns, sighs, and shakes his head. (The onlylevel worse than that is when your doctor makes the sign of the crossand gazes at you in stark disbelief.)
Now, I've done some research on this cholesterol stuff, determined todiscover why my high levels are not my fault. For one thing, thecondition can be inherited--I apparently picked the wrong parents. (Ialready knew this from when my mother tried to liven up a sullenlydismal teen party at my house by attempting to get me to dance with herand then, when I refused in horror, doing a little shimmy by herself tothe song American Woman.) For another, cholesterol is actuallymanufactured by the body, in the liver, which has no control knob youcan set to "off." The simple solution to the problem would thereforeseem to be to a) get different parents, preferably Rockefellers, and b)have your liver removed.
Obtaining different parents isn't actually that easy; if it were, mykids would have done it a long time ago, believe me. And it turns outyou can't actually do very well without a liver, which is sort of thejanitor of the body, constantly sweeping up the garbage you haveingested. The liver processes alcohol, as an example, so if you havethe thing surgically removed, any liquor you drink will just stay therein your bloodstream all day long, sort of like what has happened to TedKennedy.
More practical solutions to cholesterol include exercise and diet--inother words, don't visit the drive-thru every single day for lunch, butheave your lazy body out of your car and actually WALK to get yourcheeseburgers. And for breakfast, eat oatmeal.
Oatmeal is good for you because regular consumption can assist yourbody in developing its gag reflex. It tastes like what would happen ifyou came across a burlap bag full of horse feed and decided to eat thebag. Apparently I am the only person to see irony in the fact that inorder to lower my cholesterol, a waxy substance, I must consumeoatmeal, a waxy substance. To me, this is like trying to control itchylips by eating poison ivy.
Oatmeal can be delicious if for some reason you find yourself in aSoviet concentration camp. Otherwise, the only way to make it edible isto add edible things to it, like brown sugar, milk, and pork.
My doctor has sternly informed me that if I want to have a long life Imust stop enjoying it. He has ordered me to add nothing to my oatmealeven though I had recently stumbled upon an intriguing variationinvolving caramel syrup and Cap'n Crunch. Per his instructions, I'meating the "old fashioned" kind of oatmeal, which was developed beforethe invention of taste buds. It sits on the stove for twenty minutes,bubbling malevolently, looking like you've decided to make a stew outof glue and newspaper.
After 90 straight days of oatmeal every morning, my cholesterol hasfallen by several points, probably because my liver is so despondentover breakfast it can't get out of bed in the morning, which preciselymatches how the rest of my body feels. My arms barely have the strengthto raise the spoon to my quivering lips. My stomach wants to know if itcan become an organ donor--like, today.
I'm supposed to be exercising, but who can run on a treadmill with whatfeels like a cement block in his belly? The other day I got a call froma radio station telling me that I'd won a fabulous vacation in Hawaii."No thank you," I sighed. "I'd just have to eat oatmeal there, too." Mydoctor has stopped frowning. He tells me if I keep this up, I'll addyears to my life. Years.
Of oatmeal for breakfast.
I can hardly wait.
